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Cast Iron Systems: Application Integration Appliance

Non-Deterministic Polynomial-Time

Police Beat
The World of Men

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

The Other Woman/Capitol Hill/Wed Jan 11/10:00 pm: Officer Pomper reports: "The complainant [male, 50] told me that when he got up today he found that his wife had left the house without letting him know where she was going. The complainant said that he and his wife have been having marital problems, one of which being that his girlfriend lives with them. The complainant stated that his wife left in a similar fashion, for three days, a couple of weeks ago... Complainant told me that his wife was having emotional problems. I gave the complainant a case number."

That Thing/Queen Anne/Wed Jan 11/10:31 pm: Officer Bassett reports: "Suspect [white, male, 24, tall, thin, olive skin, flip-flops, salesman for Sprint] and friend came into the [popular Queen Anne] bar. It was obvious they were intoxicated. They were denied alcohol service but were told they could order food. A short time later, witness one heard the suspect say, 'I'm gonna pull my cock out right now.' Witness one watched as the suspect unzipped his khaki pants and pulled out his penis. The suspect then began swinging his hips back and forth while his penis was exposed. This occurred in the bar, which was full of customers. Witness one and witness two approached the suspect and told him that he had to leave immediately. [After a great show of resistance and a couple of blows,] the suspect was thrown outside. The suspect then walked away, screaming at the witnesses as he crossed Mercer Street... Based on the description provided by the employees, the suspect was apprehended and positively identified as the person who had removed his penis from his pants. However, no customer was willing to be listed as a victim of the exposed penis. The suspect is from Arizona but he now lives in Seattle."

The Telephone Guy/Lake City/Thurs Jan 12/10:41 pm: Officer Pirak reports: "The victim [white, male, 49, going through life in casual manner] said that he was having trouble with his phone line, so he called in a repair order. On Thursday, January 8, at around 8:00 a.m., the telephone man [white, male, in his 40s, blond, tall, thin, going through life in a hurried manner] showed up at the victim's apartment, saying he was there to service the phone line. The victim said that he wanted to reschedule, because it was 8:00 a.m. in the [fucking] morning, and the repairman showed up unannounced. After that early visit, the repairman called at least 10 times, wanting to come to the victim's apartment and fix the phone. The repairman would not relent; he [badly] wanted to fix the victim's phone. Finally, the victim called the phone company, and they told him that the problem had already been fixed, remotely. They had never sent anyone to his house and did not know anything about the suspect." The report ends right there, failing to ask or consider the most burning question: How does the fake telephone man have access to real repair orders?

Police Beat
The Babysitter

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

Incredibly Messy/Capitol Hill/Fri Dec 30/10:15 pm: Officer Whitlock reports: "[Victim] said she was babysitting a small child for the homeowners, who were on a date. She was in the living room at approximately 10:15 p.m. watching TV. [It was the penultimate day of 2005.] Suddenly, she heard noises from inside the residence, but at first thought the homeowners had returned. She went into the front area of the residence and saw two unknown males standing in the office. One was a black male; the other was an Asian male. Both appeared to be in their mid-20s, wearing baggy jeans and red bandanas over their faces. She tried to escape out of the front door, but the black male ran after her, caught her, and punched her twice in the face. The black male then told her to sit on the floor and not to look up at them. 'Don't mess with me, bitch,' the black male said, and then asked her when the two people he saw leaving the residence were coming back. She told him that they would be back in five minutes. 'If they come back while I'm here it's not going to be pretty,' said the black male. 'I have Asians after me.'

"The suspects then tried to pull the plasma TV off the wall. It wouldn't come off the wall. He asked the babysitter several times if she knew how to remove the plasma TV. She didn't know how to do this. She then saw the black male place some computer items into a green woven bag. The Asian went upstairs; the black male made her take him downstairs to the back door. The black male made her count to 20, then he shut the door and left the house. Shortly afterward, the Asian male came downstairs looking for the black male. She was unaware where the Asian went after she saw him looking for the black male. She put her shoes on, grabbed her keys, grabbed the child from the crib [the suspects never noticed the sleeping baby], and ran out to her vehicle to call 911."

One of the homeowners in this report is Sara Dickerman, The Stranger's food critic. She and her husband were watching Brokeback Mountain at the time of the crime. "Have you watched Brokeback Mountain?" she asked me over the phone from her home. "No, and you can tell me the plot because I'm never going to watch it," I answered.

"Because of the gay sex?"

"No, because it's a love story and I hate spending money on any kind of love story."

"Oh, well, there is this brutal death scene in the movie. One of the characters, Jack Twist, is kicked and beaten to death. Just after that scene, we received the call about the robbery."

"It says in the report that they stole a cell phone and some electronics."

"Basically, they took all of our Christmas booty, including a digital camera we used to capture our baby's first steps."

"Any new developments in the investigation?"

"No, and the cops spent the whole night in our house looking for prints. When they were done it looked like we got robbed by chimney sweeps; black marks were all over the walls. I'm glad the cops did all of that work but it's incredibly messy."